Happy Children’s Day to everyone. I will take this opportunity to write a small (is it really small though, I have to write two posts) update, as I am one of those people who feel like ancient beings and permanent children at the same time. An ancient child, if you will. I’ve always been very in touch with my inner child, and it’s one of the reasons behind the chain of events that happened recently, that I am going to talk about later on, as I have two posts for today, because I felt like it might be a better read for those who are less interested in my personal life and more in perspectives on the other topic. Or maybe I will post the other one tomorrow. We will see.
So firstly, the mundane stuff. I figured I haven’t been posting anything at all for a while (besides the fact that with help of my dear friend I got the Portal 2 ‘Professor Portal’ achievement, yos), and I like coming back here with some summaries.
I am very happy at the moment with what is going on. I’ve been very stressed and overworked for over a year, because I was giving my all to my work ethic, but at the end I got a bit burnt out. Finally my efforts brought first fruits though, I got plenty of new, more advanced responsibilities, I got a raise, a bonus (finally will get that roomba), and my management proves me time and again that I am being heard and respected. My team is amazing, I have new members that I am getting along with, and everything is coming together.
I developed new plans, and am working now towards their realization, I am given all the opportunities and support that I need, and in general this is what brings me the most fulfillment. I am working on things that have long-lasting results, instead of just fixing day-to-day issues. I also have the time and space to grow. My work is not only appreciated but also rewarded, which means a lot to me, because anyone can just give you an appreciative pat on the back as an empty gesture that doesn’t really translate to anything meaningful, or useful to you. After all, to me at least, work is just means to an end and not a charity.
Still, it is nice when work has purpose and long-lasting effects. I am very happy with what it is right now, and with the company that I work for, especially for their social policies that are so much more progressive than the rest of companies in Poland.
I also need to appreciate the pandemy because of one aspect – I moved fully to working from home and honestly the past few months have been indescribable because of how my life improved because of that. Spending all my lunch breaks either making dinner with my love, or just going on walks together, or having a relaxing bath. Not having to commute 10 hours every week gives you also an entire extra day in a week, and time is a resource that feels always very sparse to me. With all the things I want to do, resume my piano lessons, resume my art lessons, write here more, develop my webcomic that I’ve been planning forever now, and even just stay on top of the chores. I agreed to come to the office every once in a while, but besides that I am commited to work from home full-time.
In conclusion, I finally have solid proof that things are going my way.
Books / comics
I got so many new books for myself I am honestly just way too excited over it. I got few as a gift as well, such as the complete H. P. Lovecraft collection of all his works. I still need to purchase a proper night stand with a night light to fully enjoy reading before bed, when I want to stay away even from my Kindle’s light. Going on an IKEA date this week to finally check that off my list and just throw myself into all the reading I need to catch up with.
One thing I especially recently am enjoying is making up stories. I have plenty of ideas (can’t say they were original creative ideas, it’s just my daily life that is an inspiration) for the webcomic I intend to start, but also I’ve been spending a lot of time with my love, and we came up with some really fantatic stories that he is going to write and possibly publish. One of them especially I cannot wait for, it’s the greatest story ever by my standards, which are basically what it makes me feel and think, and I need to restrain myself pretty hard from spoiling everything right now. I can only say it’s a bit of a horror story. Just a bit.
I’ve also updated my science library a little bit. One of the books I keep recommending everyone, and I am bothering my family by obsessively gifting it to everyone for every occasion, is How not to die by dr Michael Greger. Let me take this opportunity to mention the book again, and point out that a Polish version is also available in Empik. Greger, man, you need to strike me a deal.
Regarding the webcomic, I am soon getting a graphics tablet and so far I am just designing everything in my head, so we will see if my hands follow with it once I get it. It’s very difficult for me to transfer just about anything from my head to the outside world. I can announce now, the title will be Dynamic Derps. It’s an inside joke I have with my love, and the content will contain plenty of those. It’s going to be your typical funny and at times romantic slice of life. Who am I kidding, we make everyone puke rainbows, there’s going to be tons of romance (and casual murder). I suppose it will be a little similar to my love’s Raven and Wolf. He is an experienced writer though, so cut me some slack.
Those who follow me on Instagram know, I am getting rid of all my medication. I am no longer on the antipsychotic, and no longer on antidepressant. I have one more medication to just get rid of, but so far it’s going well.
I am taking it very slow, as slow and as safe as possible. I am still in remission, and keep checking myself with some help of the loved ones. I am aware of potential warning signs that I need to look out for that may signal a relapse, but so far it’s going so well that I have fixed my sleep schedule. Which has been normal about 20 years ago, and then got utterly terrible until recently. So yeah, officially in remission, and enjoying it. I actually am tired in the evening, go to sleep (and fall asleep), and in the morning when I wake up it takes me about 5 minutes to naturally start feeling like I am not going to sleep anymore, because I am going to get up and do things.
It hasn’t been normal for me for so long that I am unreasonably excited for this, and fully enjoying it.
Still trying to spend as much time as possible with my family. I am getting more paid holiday days, and feeling much better mentally, so I paid visit to my grandparents, and planning even more. There comes a moment in life where the past might have been difficult, but you need to look into the future. Things need to be forgiven, even if they will not be forgotten, and you need to ask yourself what do you want to happen next. If you let the past control the future you may wake up one day with the biggest regrets in your life. The cycle of negativity needs to be stopped, and you are always in power to be the force behind it.
Any time you can decide that this is it, from now on you will do all you can to make the utopian future happen now. Will it really be utopian? No, never. There will always appear some failed expectations, some frustrations, but someone needs to do something to improve the situation. You have changed over the years, and so have others. Your loved ones may no longer be the same people who hurt you in the past. It’s unfair to hold the grudge against them for the rest of their lives. Depending on the situation of course, some situations are hopeless, and some are so toxic you need to remove yourself from them and move on. You can’t save people, you need to save yourself.
But in the grey area lay a lot of lives where things can be better, but we cannot wait for it to be fixed by others. You can wait forever. And some people are really desperate for any sign that things can be made better. Maybe they want to take action but don’t know how. Maybe they expect you to forever hate them for what they’ve done in the past. Sometimes a little warmth is all people need to realize you can move forward.
The hurt caused to you in the past was not your fault. But getting over the past to be able to move towards the future is your responsibility. Just because noone else can do it for you. By changing the future you are changing your past. Only the now is making it seem like they are two separate entities.
Regarding shaping the future past – on September I am getting married.
Couldn’t be happier, and the past six years I have been the happiest woman on the planet. I can’t wait to create my webcomic to immortalize our stupidly adorable life for the future generations. Our children will hate us. Not just for making them puke rainbows, but also for giving them unrealistic expectations of relationships.
I could die tomorrow and I would know that I lived the way I wanted, and found what I’ve been looking for. It makes me smile to think of how when I was a child and then a teenager and I was describing my perfect partner, everyone politely chuckled how adorable I was, or just plain laughed at me, shaking their heads, how fickle, unrealistic, and childish dream that was. For a while I also believed that this must have been true, especially since I was looking very hard for what I wanted, and never found it. I have been founding little pieces of the dream here and there, but in general I almost gave up on it to settle down.
When I met this man I thought ‘unbelievable. This is actually possible, a person like that exists’. We became best friends instantly. It’s just when you meet a… you. You can finish their sentences, you immediately know everything complex hiding behind their one sentence. And when you talk to them, and feel like the words are failing you, it doesn’t matter, because they already know. They know more than what you are willing to share.
Back then I have decided that until I meet someone like that I will remain alone. To be fair to myself, to the authenticity in the world, and to the potential partners. Go hard or go home. I will either have my dream or I will not have anything at all. I was perfectly fine with that, to be honest after spending my youth looking and discovering, I came to the point where it all got very boring and I felt like losing my breath. I wanted freedom above all else. Commitment was not something I was interested in pursuing anymore, and without commitment you can have anything people-related that you need anyways. And then go home and spend uninterrupted time alone.
Except I was never alone, because I had my best friend. The smartest, wisest, most compassionate, moral, funny, kind, and beautiful human I could have imagined.
Just like my husband, my wedding is also going to be the one of my dreams. No bullshit and societal expectations. Only closest family. Outdoors. Non-white dress. Civil only, screw the church. Then dinner in one of our favorite restaurants, and go home. Playing Mansion of Madness with our friends for our bachelor/bachelorette party. Honeymoon where we first met. And maybe in Italy, depending if we can go crazy during pandemic. I want to show him my favorite place there, but it can wait for any of the many of the future holidays together.
We are getting our vaccines this month, so I expect a lot of adventures to come. I want to go kayaking with our friends, having more dinner parties and RPG sessions, group photoshoots, and showing friends around our favorite spots.
I am happy.