Self-worth

Recently I discovered another use for my nutrition competence. Having an engineering degree in nutrition has been a great use for me so far. Awareness is power, because it enables intention. And taking power over my life and health is crucial to me. It directly affects my sense of self-worth, and general happiness.

I am considered an “overconfident” person by some people. This is bollocks to me, but at the same time I understand why they might think so. The more of course it shows me that such people are not somebody I want to keep in my life, because our priorities and values don’t align at all. I simply have no care for what others may consider important for self-love, like being considered someone greater than I am by others, being sexually appealing to opposite sex, causing envy, or being praised for looks, weight, you name it. These are things that just are not worthy of any concern. As for mental ability, I am aware of my intelligence and the range of my competences (and incompetences), but at the same time I still think we are all just apes in ties, and everyone is an idiot. I am an idiot as well. Stupid people happen to do intelligent things, and geniuses happen to do stupid shit. World is not black and white. And people are not binary. There is no point in categorising people that way, what matters is to be kind, skillful, and useful to society.

As for looks, I only think you should just like seeing what you see in the mirror, and that short sentence alone is just about the right amount of words this topic deserves, so let’s move on.

Like everyone, I do feel insecure sometimes. There are about three things that do concern me, and impact my sense of self-worth. I am constantly working on this, and over the years I have made a great progress that I intend to continue. I no longer feel unworthy, like I used to feel in the past, on occasion. But still I have those bad days when my insecurities get to me, and cause stress. One of those things is the inability to do a pull up. It may sound silly, but as one Wise Man said, one pull up is something that can save your life. But it’s something I can, and do intend to fix, so it’s not really an issue. If I can impact something, I have power and responsibility over it. So watch me report in few weeks that the problem is gone. But the two following things are not something I can really help myself with, no matter how disciplined I would be, so the weight of them is much greater. I can’t fix it with any diet, exercise, or money.

Health, or rather lack of it, and myopia. Especially myopia. I am aware that civilisation is keeping me functional in that regard, I have glasses or contacts, and for other problems I have I get medication for. But if the access to them is gone, let’s say in a survival situation, or any situation really that destabilises access to medicine, it will render me useless. I could not do my hobbies (like archery), I could not be useful in hunting, or even in defence. Not to mention without access to meds for bipolar disorder I don’t really know how could I function at all. I would be a liability for people around me.

But then again, nutrition. Food technology, public health, dietetics, basics of medicine, illness prevention, food preservation, farming, food quality assurance, those are extremely valuable, even critical skills, in terms of survival. People can’t function in any circumstances without being sufficiently fed, and without knowledge what to do with soil, what plants to use and how, how to detect types of poisons and poisonings, what to do when they happen, how to save food for winter, how to build machines (like water filters, lab equipment), basics of chemistry, microbiology, what not to eat, how to calculate, predict, and ensure sustainability, they would die off within few weeks, maybe months. This revelation came to me so late it made me laugh. Perhaps I didn’t really give my insecurities enough thought. It’s not something I dwell on often, so it didn’t occur to me it’s connected to it, when I was contemplating survival scenarios, and nutrition science application.

So at last, I did find something to lift my spirit, and to feel good about myself. I am still slowly getting along with the idea that things I can’t change should not be a worry, it’s pointless since there is nothing I can do about it. It does help a lot to instead focus on things I can improve. And my usefulness is one of those things. I am well aware that the world we know is not going to last long. It’s one of the reasons why I keep studying nutrition, despite finishing university years ago, why I learn about other shit very few people care about, and why I stress about being proficient enough to be anyhow in power in critical situations, and be able to take care of my people. It’s the only thing I consider worthy of caring about.

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